Kenya Police decide not dying is better than dying

Al-Shabaab storms Garissa University College in Kenya; 15 dead, hostages takenKIGANJO – This reporter was given a rare glimpse into the Kenya Police College, where the country’s up and coming dumbest people are given basic training in sucking at minimal police work.

On this particular day, one of the police’s best and brightest, Captain Mwoga, was directing cadets on the traits of a fine police office officer, saying “Your life comes first; don’t hesitate to run for dear life in the face of danger. I mean, if you get into a fight and die, who will protect the nation?”

Captain Mwoga is a veteran of the Westgate Attack, in which he was wounded: a bagful of money which he was arresting and on the process of taking home for further inspection had caused his back muscles to strain.

The obnoxiously overweight captain (he says he gained “a few kilos” by eating free at immigrant-owned restaurants) came face to face with danger again on 19 January 2015, when he had to bravely fight off dangerous children who were selfishly trying to take back their playground. He managed to beat and choke some of the thugs, before retreating to Eastleigh – his go-after-a-hard-day-and-extort-the-immigrants place.

For the cadets, Captain Mwoga had a very useful advice: “If you get a call about an ongoing criminal or terrorist attack, be a patriot and arrive too late: the terrorists normally kill themselves after they are done. No need putting yourself in harm’s way”.

At press time, Captain Mwoga was standing behind a bank undergoing a robbery, hoping the robbers would leave quick enough for him to go and deposit the money he made from extortion.

By Mohamed